Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Illegal Status

This is an actual letter by Iowan resident Donald Ruppert to Senator Tom Harkin. This brilliant piece deserves to be posted for all to see.
         
Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal  Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted.   If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way  that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying  premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would  receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of  renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms,  I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

              Your Loyal Constituent,
              Donald Ruppert
              Burlington, IA

Seems Ruppert has the right idea. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Comments

[Bertha Ortega Roderick]

I hope he gets his wish granted and once he becomes an illegal alien then he can cut his own grass, care for his own children, clean his own house and pick his own food all this without health insurance and for less than the minimum wage.
I am sure he will be very glad to be an illegal alien.

[Bertha Ortega Roderick]

I hope he gets his wish granted and once he becomes an illegal alien then he will cut his own grass, care for his own children, clean his own house and pick his own food, without health insurance and for less than the minimum wage.
He will be very happy to be an illegal alien.

[T. Church]

If Mr. Ruppert wants to put his money where his mouth is, I believe he can officially renounce his citizenship with the US government, cross our southern border briefly, try to sneak back in, and find out just how easy illegal aliens have it. I would venture to guess that this overfed, soft American would quickly discover that sending around smug, rhetorical emails without the "cojones" to back them up is very easy.

[J Fernandez]

Not all employers knowingly hire illegally or pay sub minimum wages. But if you are looking for a life like that Don, you can renounce your citizenship for you and your family and live that life. When they deport you and you try to sneak back in through the desert be sure you drink a lot of water before you cross and carry as much as you can. Do not through the containers away when they are empty though as you will need to save your urine or possibly die of thrist. As long as you do not have any infections it should not have any bacteria that will get you sick. Remember the guy who cut off his arm when he was pinned by a rock hiking to save his life?

It is not currently the responsibility of employers to identify forged documents. What many people do then is illegally use legal documents acquiring false ID. The part that does this ends up paying taxes. They do pay for Social Security. They do pay for unemployment. They do pay into pensions. Because the employer takes it out automatically like they do to the rest of us. What they might not do is file a tax return since they do not know how many people are using the same SS#. They do not pay into these programs thinking that they will ever collect. They do not want to attract attention and they just are are content with getting the job.

The part that can not afford to buy forged docuemnts ($500- $3000)or just chooses not to will have to find an unscrupulous employer and then the wages are below minimum, no other benifits even remotely available, and Uncle Sam not only doesn't get taxes from the worker, but will also not get any taxes from the employer (the employer won't report that they are employing the worker much less pay the taxes.)

Oh yes, and if you think that they just save up to buy the forged douments consider that they will continuously be blackmailed lest the forger anonymously call the employer.

Before you respond. I understand that you see my surname and though you may not consider me eliquent, you might consider me what you might call "One of them", but all my surname means is that through my paternal line I can trace myself back to Spain. I had a grandfather serve in the Pacific during WWII, a brother in the gulf during the first phase of this conflict, a clid with green eyes, two with blond hair, and if you don't 100% gaurenteed that your neighbor owns something that I designed. (If you do not then shame on you since I design for OUR big three domestic automakers.)

You should be ashamed of your glib and ignorant request. For the sake of educating the ignorants in our country you should be granted your wish. For the sake of your children they should be brought up in a more educated bigot free home, but I hold out hope that you realize what you said and that they can learn from your errors.

[l kanne]

Well said Mr. Fernandez!